Husband Stuff

My husband Nate and I met October 2011 at my cousin Ambers wedding. He had been seperated from his wife for a couple of years and I was seperated from mine since The beginning of the year. I found his ability to make me laugh very attractive. We only talked for a whole combined amount of time for an hour. When I went back home he was all I could think about. So I told my aunt who happened to work with him and she gave me his number. Three weeks later, I travel to have a one night stand with him. Thats all I assumed it was going to be. I was going to get me some,since I had been celebate for 1 1/2 years. Oh it was glorious. My ex wasnt half the lover Nate was. By the beginning of December we had moved in together. (Very fast I know. I think people like me are crazy to think that it will work out.) We got pregnant quickly and by september 2012 we had our son Jesse. July 2013 we got married. January 2015 our daughter Kiera was born. This whole time I have been so anxious , depressed and insecure. I havent been the easiest ti get along with, but neither has he. He tenda to use my feelings against me. I dont like when non relative females touch my husbamd innocent or not. I also do not think its appropriate for a female to sit and talk about the "body parts" with a married man. My husband instigated crap a few montha bacj in regards to one of the women he works with. I dont like her. Shes always touching hin and getting this high pitched laugh and talking inappropriate with him. Sadly, because he thinks its funny and I do not we have been fighting. He disregards my feelings and it hurts. We havent been sharing a room for a month now...I am sad and lonely and angry. I am starting to feel a who cares attitude with him. I dont want this but i also want to feel like i matter. Weve discussed all og this and his reaponse is that i am crazy and have schizoprhena.(spelled wrong I am sure) I am at a loss.

Visit and Change

We got to go to Kansas for my families Christmas after all. It was a pretty nice visit. The kids got more presents then they needed. My parents bought me a new set of pots and pans in a maroon color. Yay, getting rid of the hand me downs. Dad and I stayed up and talked once my mom, husband and kids all had gone to bed. We had a good talk, which is strange since we never get along enough to really talk. Then he gave me a hug. Even stranger, since we are non huggers.
I've been thinking a lot lately of where I am at in life. There is a lot I need to change, things I want and need to do. One is going back to a therapist so I can get some anxiety medication. My husband says it wont work. I am sorry that he can just "get over things" and I can not. I also plan on going back to school inthe Spring which really makes me look forward to something. Part of me wants to just jumo into work, but still not real confident in that.
Well here at my husband work waitong for him to get off. Kids fighting in the back seat and I am listening to music and ignorning them. Just one of those days.

Freezing and Stuff

When I was a kid and a teenager I use to love winter, but I really am becoming a scrooge for the winter months all together. It is getting so cold outside. I managed to get the outdoor faucets winterized and the dogs house winterized. Now to just stay inside where its warm. At least I have lots of coffee, hot tea and cocoa. I also made homemade chicken and rice soup, which smells heaveny.

We are suppose to go to my families house tomorrow but the NWS is posting travel advisories. Even though my husband was raised in the North, I dont feel like if it gets really bad we should risk it. Kinda bummed because Christmas with the folks is always so fun. It didnt use to be that way, but thats a story for another time. I made all of my gifts this year for extended families. Most of all pillows and pillowcases. I know everyone else went and spent money like crazy but thats ok by me.I am content being semi poor. Haha.

Anyway. My favorite evening thing is after the kids have gone to bed at 9 to soak in a hot bath and then sit and watch Star Trek with the husband. We dont have cable, just the digital antannea but there is a channel that plays all of the Star Treks. Geek alert! Really enjoying Deep Space Nine right now. People always complain about Voyager, but have they seen Enterprise...it bores me.

I am in the mood to make some fudge. Its cold enough so it would set. I guess I will go try that now.
Bye!

Does it matter

I feel like such a horrible person. I've lost me. I've lost my passion for writing of any sorts. Recently after a massive fight with my husband...i tore up every single journal i ever kept. I had them from ten years old until well about a 2 weeks ago. Something clicked within me. What the hell am I doing this for? I am not half the writer I want to be, no one truly cares about how I feel or what I say. In the end..does it really matter to me?

Didn't Disappear

Hello...me again. I didnt go anywhere, as I have mentioned I don't have good internet service so I can only get on when I have good internet service like wifi.

Sitting here at the Oklahoma cancer Center with my sister in law Kim. They found a large lump on her breast and on her ovaries. There is nothing I can do but be her emotional support.

The hubby will be taking the kids Trick ot Treating down town. A little lady bug, bat fairy and skeleton. They will have fun.

Yesterday we went to church with Hannahs bff and family. Its an all black baptist church and all I can say is that I have never felt more welcomed in a church in my entire life. So much so, that we are going back again. Then we went to the fall festival downtown and had fun eating and playing games with the kids. We all fell right to sleep we were so exhausted.

I was wanting to join the Nano writing thing..but A. The internet problem. And b. I have too many gifts to make for Christmas. Ive finished three pillow cases but have 2 more to go plus 7 pillows. Ahhh.

Well I better get off of here.

When the Rain Pours but the Sun Shines

On my way back from picking my daughter up from her dads and as the husband drives, and internet service is good,I write. Sadly the Equinox keeps overheating horribly. So every 25 miles we have to pull over and let it cool down. Someday we will afford a trip to the mechanics.

Besides car trouble, we have a leak in our bathroom drain that causes the sons bedroom floor to get wet. Since our landlord is in New Mexico we will have to fix it ourselves.

Sometimes I really think I should go back to work to help with the financials. Sadly for everyone in America, childcare is not affordable. Meanwhile I think I will go back to school. I am super great with numbers so thought about becoming a certified public accountant. Yet, I really am too friendly to be stuck in an office all day. Dental assisting would be good too. I have until spring to decide what I would like to do.

My husband and I made up. We dont get alone time at all so we havent really had a good talk in two years. Finally got it off our chests!

Anyhow...will try to write more this evening. Ciao.

B.S.

Yep, the title pretty much sums up the last few days. Its been bullshit after bullshit. Fighting with the husband, kids being pissy and we all of a sudden have an influx of gnats in the house. I cant win for losing. All i want is chocolate, wine and a good book. Maybe a cozy fire too. Oh now I am in lala land. Dream on!

Some History/rant/randomness

I was first born to my carpenter dad and waitress mom back in August of '86. Followed by three siblings, Jennifer, Jared and Tiffany. My dad was a "christian" and raised us as such as well, until he started doing drugs, getting drunk, and having numerous affairs. One day he tried to commit suicide, survived and since then claims athiesm. He put us through a lot of hell growing up, and my mom just stood by and didnt change anything! I emded up meeting a guy similar to him at 18 and we got pregnant and had a daughter who is now 10. Five years later I left..i was not going to raise my daughter in the same situation I was in. Met my current husband Nate of five years and we have our four year old and nearly two year old. Its not been easy because I have major trust issues. I have this idea that all men are the same. So I deal with anxiety, depression and etc almost on a daily basis. Am I a horrible person because of it? Well yeah...but I HATE being told to "get over it". Ha!

Anyways... my husband doesnt want to further his education. Hes always complaining that we have no money and how he needs a better job but then wont work for it. I am planning on going back to school in the spring. I am not positive if it will be for dental assistant or accounting but I will be going back. My father in law says its not a womans place to take care of the family. Kinda ticked me off. Its a damn good moms place to do what EVER she has to, to take care of her family. So he can just bite my fat fanny.

Hannah and Jesse get out of school in just over an hour. Kiera is napping. Thank goodness for naps! I am sort of writing this in a hurry so I apologize for misspelled words and grammer errors. I never know how long naps are, so I wanted to get this in as quick as possible. May write some more later.

Ciao

Pumpkins, Birthdays and Kansas

I have been quite busy the last few days and by the time I thought I should write an entry, I am exhuasted and pass out instead.

Friday we took my four year old son Jesse to his field trip to the pumpkin patch with his headstart class. It was two hours of my allergies going crazy from the wet hay. He seemed to have fun though. He got to bring home a tiny pumpkin and a gord.

Yesterday I cooked a large roast with potatoes and carrots in the crockpot. Made an orange marmelade cake with homemade cream cheese frosting. Then had my best friend/sister in law Kim come over for her birthday. It was such a good visit. Poor Kim has a cyst on her ovaries and they found a lump in her breast. I will be going with her on the 31st to an appointment to see the cancer specialist. I am nervous for her, but she needs the emotional support.

My family and I are currently in the car on our way to visit my youngest sister Tiffanys family in Kansas. Its a three hour drive. Her husband Randy is going in for open heart surgery on the 18th. I despise going to Kansas, Way too many bad memories, but I go because I know it means a lot to my sister.

Gonna get off of here for now. Will check in later

Ciao,Ashley

It Begins Again

Well, here is too another try at journaling online. I really suck at it on paper and so maybe this time I can keep up with this, or so I hope.

My name is Ashley, though I am often called Twitter or Azaelia. I prefer Azaelia. I recently turned 30, and I despise it. I am married to a man who I think I love. We have three children my 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage, and then our 4 our old son and 20 month old daughter. We have 2 cats.

I am very insecure and dont truat people. No one. And thats why I am not pushy on my religion as a Christian..because I have problems like that.

Well dinner is cooking. Kids are playing. Sitting down to watch Saving Hope. Will write more later